Guest Contributor
By: Dr. Jillian Roberts
Every parent can agree that they want the best for their kids, and that they want them to succeed in their endeavours and gain confidence in everything they do. To make this a reality, parents must guide their children to be independent self-starters who believe in their ideas, thoughts, and abilities. Having kids learn to take action and take responsibility for themselves at a young age helps to raise strong, independent global citizens.
So what can parents do to help make this happen? Below are a handful of strategies that have been gathered from over two decades of experience from child psychologist Dr. Jillian Roberts. When used, these strategies will help children gain the confidence to believe in themselves and take action on things they are passionate about.
Understand Positive Growth Mindset
A growth mindset is when people believe in their abilities and develop their potential through hard work and dedication. According to the glossary of education reform, a growth mindset creates a love for learning and a resilience that is essential to success.
This mindset’s “default setting” is intrinsic motivation; or the motivation that comes from an internal desire, such as to help others. This is related to personal principles and values that your child will already be starting to form on their own, but as a parent you can also help to share them through how you and your family live your lives.
When kids are intrinsically motivated and ‘wired for empathy,’ they are more readily able to channel those values into actionable outcomes.
Allow your child to make decisions and offer meaningful choices
From a young age, involve your children in decision making. This can start with simple choices during the preschool years, like, “Which sweater would you like to wear?” or “Do you want to draw a picture or bake cookies?”
As your child grows, increase the significance of the choices. Some options for inviting input could include where to go for a family trip, what to name a new pet, which projects to do around the house or yard, and how to commemorate special events or milestones.
Include your children in decision making whenever appropriate to help cultivate their sense of agency and leadership skills. Let them spearhead a project from start to finish. The outcome – good, bad, or in-between – will also offer a valuable lesson.
Highlight the importance of self-advocacy
Just as it’s important to stand up for others, it’s also important to learn to advocate for one’s self. As valuable as support systems are, there are times when we simply need to stick up for ourselves and know how to do so.
You can encourage self-advocacy in your child by finding opportunities to reinforce their rights and responsibilities. For example, your child has a right to know what the expectations are for behaviour at school and at home, and they have the responsibility to follow those guidelines or ask questions if they aren’t sure.
Understanding basic rights and responsibilities helps us to identify if there is a violation. Being aware of these concepts is a necessary first step in self-advocacy. Continue to remind your child that if they ever feel their rights are being violated or their boundaries have been crossed, they need to speak up right away by telling you or another adult.
Let Kids Problem Solve
When something is wrong, parents may automatically jump into “solution mode” and solve children’s problems for them. Parents do this because they love their children and don’t want to see them struggle, and as adults we have developed advanced problem-solving skills. But children can also develop excellent problem-solving skills if given opportunities to practice.
The sooner your child learns this mindset, the better able they will be to react to dilemmas when their parents are not around. If there is a problem at school, at home, or within a friendship, ask your child if they have any ideas for solutions before supplying answers. Of course, you will need to provide guidance and support if they’re struggling with a solution, but see what they come up with first and then talk through the idea together.
Let Your Child Have a Voice, Then Listen
In many situations we prepare our kids to speak out but we don’t prepare adults to listen to the unique wisdom kids possess. Take the time to listen carefully to your child and consider their point of view. When possible, gently encourage other adults to do the same. When you are listening intently to your children
it fosters confidence so that they know that they have a voice their thoughts are valid and worthy of others listening.
This can be especially important for girls to learn from a young age, as our society can socialize girls to diminish their voice as they grow older. Giving your child the floor during discussions allows her to share her thoughts and boosts her confidence, but also introduces a new perspective into the conversation. It can be quite amazing to discover the ideas and solutions that live inside a child’s mind. Pay attention – they might have the best idea in the room.
Let Children Participate on their Terms
Children need more ways to participate meaningfully in our society. Parents can play a role in this by facilitating opportunities for their children to be included and get involved in activities, organizations and events. If your child has an interest that isn’t supported at their school, encourage him to create his own opportunity.
Ask permission to start a lunchtime club. Or maybe your child has noticed litter on the beach or in a park – suggest that they form a clean up crew with other kids from the neighbourhood. Show them there’ s always an opportunity to create change in your own unique way.
Engage as a Family
While this may be tough to get the whole family out due to deployments, exercises, and training, volunteering or serving together as a family is a meaningful experience with many positive benefits for children. The most obvious benefit is learning the importance of service to others, but the added bonus is that your family is spending time together, which strengthens your bond.
You have an opportunity to model service behaviour for your kids and participate in service learning. This will create memories together that your children will carry with them into adulthood. Here are a few of the core benefits your child can experience through volunteering as a family:
A sense of responsibility – learning responsibility from a young age promotes accountability. It also fosters a positive growth mindset that allows a child to use an obstacle as an opportunity to learn and progress.
A virtue of tolerance – this will serve your child well as she progresses toward adulthood in an increasingly diverse and connected world.
The idea that one person can make a difference in the world – seeing the impact of one’s actions helps to build self-confidence and support intrinsic motivation, which comes from internal values and isn’t influenced by outside factors.
When applied the above strategies will help parents encourage confidence and self-sufficiency in their children; the strategies will teach them that to maintain a positive outlook on their environment and circumstances, and it will also give them opportunities to fail and learn from their mistakes, as this is essential to growth and success in the future. As parents, we hope to model this independence and ultimately instil in our children the values to foster resiliency and bounce back from challenges that our kids will inevitably face.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is the Founder & CEO of Family Sparks. She is a child psychologist, a professor at th eUniversity of Victoria and a mother of three. She is also the author of two best-selling and award-winning series of children’s books that explain tough topics to kids, as well as anew book for the parents of preteens. To learn more Jillian and Family Sparks visit www.familysparks.com and to learn more about her books visit https://www.amazon.com/Dr.-Jillian-Roberts/e/B07D3DS6HR%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share
